我的天

别以为自己写了那么久的日记就可以随心所欲，其实有时命题还是很有难度的，当命完题的时候又发现自己好像有点离题了。因为每个文章都有分类，所以在写文章之前的我的习惯是先作好分类再写。但往往觉得自己写着写着就会越写越远，和原来的分类完全不匹配，应该用别的分类，于是就在发表前的一刻改掉。

就如刚刚写完的原来，Jorge Enrique Abello是这样想 :: 我的天本来是想把它当作“烂日记”但越写越不对劲，“烂日记”的风格怎么可以这样。于是在最后才把它改为“论尽”，相对来说，我的感想和评论，以及客观的想法，在那里都表现的更多。于是以为写完它就可以结束，结果还是要多写一篇“烂日记”，烂日记是自己对自己的要求，无论如何一定要写。

其实也无所谓什么有没有灵感，反正你有写的欲望就一定能够写。以前写“欧卫国”的周记，他老是说我周记味太浓，如果他现在再看看我的日记，就知道的我的水平是如何之“高”了。以前的日记哪里有现在那么放松，我的思维也不会如此天马行空了。不过现在再叫我围绕一件事或一个题目作一番吹水，似乎真的简单了好多。特别在无聊的用词句方面，简直就有质的飞跃。

因为eMule的低ID现象的持续，可我简直就无话可说。本来已经好久都没有挂网了，已经没有什么排位可言，还要是低ID，我都不知道如何做人。但我不管了，顺其自然吧，能下就下，不能下我也没有办法，因为可以用的办法也用过了，难道叫我着长宽用户用映射映射到公网的干路上吗？似乎有点不可能。开始以为是我自己的问题，但现在看来，应该是长宽改变了网络结构的问题。

今天花费了好多时间在写The Road of Growing Up (playscript) :: 我的天上面，原来好痛苦的，很多次我都想罢写了，最后还是熬了下去，这是我唯一一次把一件要做的事分开做，我好久都没有试过这样子不一气呵成了。最终还是打好了，谢天谢地。

没想到自己对原来，Jorge Enrique Abello是这样想 :: 我的天的感想这么多。我看来真的有点儿发疯。特别当我不知道要干些什么，精神空虚的时候。

搞到自己命题错误及选择分类出错，我真的发了疯了，发了疯了。（最后这句好像是鲁迅的《药》里面一个茶客的台词，我隐约记得）

因为Yo soy Betty, la Fea，我认识了Jorge Enrique Abello，世界上很多很多的人都是如此。里面的Armando Mendoza因此就成为了好多好多人的英雄，爱慕对象，几乎一说起Colombia没有一个人是不会不认识他的。因为Yo soy Betty, la Fea，Jorge Enrique Abello的国内国际影响因此飘升，比股票升级还要厉害好多好多。可以说，Jorge Enrique Abello因此一炮而红，而且这个炮还打到了中国，我也中招了。

记得刚开始上网的时候“Jorge Enrique Abello”是我的常客，几乎是我每天的例行公事。现在想起来，我真的疯了。

其实我最喜欢看的是他的文章，从文章往往能认识一个人，人是很难在文章里说谎的，他们免不了有他们的思维渗透其中，即使再客观的文章也少不了主观的东西，我就是喜欢在文章中发掘他的主观。他的名字也好怪，叫做“Mi Nombre es Nadie”英文解释就是“My Name is Nobody”我也是从这里才知道了nobody的另一个意思——小人物。即使是成为超级的公众人物，但他还是希望自己只是的无名小卒。和我的见解一样，记得六年级的时候，班主任要我竞选大队委，我的回答是“无官一身轻”。

先是西文的：
¿La Estatua de la Libertad, por favor? Por Jorge Enrique Abello / Revista GatoPardo Colombia 14 Mayo 2003
… Y PERDONA POR LO DEL TUTEO Por Jorge Enrique Abello / Revista Rolling Stone Colombia Octubre 2003
BREVE HISTORIA DE LA GUERRA Por Jorge Enrique Abello / Revista Rolling Stone Colombia Noviembre 2003
SER O NO SER… PERO SIN SUDADERA Por Jorge Enrique Abello / Revista Rolling Stone Colombia Diciembre 2003
FELIZ AÑO MR. ORWELL Por Jorge Enrique Abello / Revista Rolling Stone Colombia Febrero 2004
Carta de despedida de un suicida Por Jorge Enrique Abello / Revista Rolling Stone Colombia Marzo 2004
Pesadillas de un Insomne Por Jorge Enrique Abello / Revista Rolling Stone Colombia Abril 2004

然后是经过翻译的部分英文：
To be or not to be… but without a Sweatshirt By Jorge Enrique Abello / Magazine Rolling Stone Colombia December 2003
Happy New Year, Mr. Orwell By Jorge Enrique Abello / Magazine Rolling Stone Colombia February 2004
Suicide Note By Jorge Enrique Abello / Magazine Rolling Stone Colombia March 2004
An Insomniac’s Nightmares By Jorge Enrique Abello / Magazine Rolling Stone Colombia April 2004

说回Jorge Enrique Abello，他因为Yo soy Betty, la Fea而做的采访数之不尽：
Revista Cristina (USA),2000 “ El Galán de Betty la Fea presenta a su verdadero amor”
Revista TV y Novelas (USA),2000 “Le gustan las Feas con Imaginación”
Tal cual Digital 20 Nov 2000 “ Radiografía de un No Galán”
Revista Mira! (USA) 14 Nov 2000, El Galán de “ Betty, la Fea” Reina de la Noche.
Periódico El Mundo (Venezuela) 9
Oct 2000 “ Vivir para Amar”
Programa 2000 Viva el Lunes *Video* (Chile), Jorge Enrique Abello
Semanario.UOL.2000 (Argentina), “En la ficción enamora a una fea pero detrás de cámaras las prefiere lindas”
Conexcol 2000 Jorge Enrique Abello
等等……
我只是举了2000年的为例，从当时到现在，几乎每个enterview里面都少不了提到Yo soy Betty, la Fea，作为一个演员能如此成功，当然十分好，但如果永远提到这个演员就只有这件令人骄傲的事，他也好悲哀。自己现在的任何角色都必须和当年的Armando Mendoza相比，被人问及这个“你觉得你和Armando有什么不同或相同？”问题千次万次，会是什么感觉。我也有点也因此为他感到无奈。难道他就只是被认为是永恒的Armando，除此以外什么都不是？甚至走到大街上，别人就叫他Armando，而忘却了他的名字。当然，这种深入人心是好，不过也好痛苦啊！我感觉到，他一直在努力在超越当年的Armando，但这个敌人实在太太太强大了，似乎无法摧毁。而且随着年纪的增大，在也不会回到过去的charming face了，这是岁月留下的，唯一可以超越的就是没有年龄限制的演技，但谈和容易。每件事都是尽善尽美，超越是很难的。

经过很多很多采访的阅读，我知道了，其实他也是有点讨厌Armando的为人的，在近些日子的新采访Sobreactuar es pecado，他的回答是这样的：

¿Quién es Armando? （Armando是个怎样的人？）

Un tipo que no sabe de nada. （一种什么都不知道的人）Sólo ha visto una parte del mundo, la que su privilegiada posición social le ha permitido ver. （只看到世界的一部分[井底之蛙？]，是他的社会地位允许他可以这样看）No sabe de valores, ni de sentimientos, y tiene un orgullo tenaz, que lo hará derrumbarse, pues aunque lo desconoce, él mismo es su peor enemigo. （不知道什么是价值，没有同情，只有无边的傲慢，这样会毁了他，因此他自己没有意识到，但他自己是自己最大的敌人）

¿Se te pegaron sus mañas? （你演好他的诀窍是什么？）

¿El galán de moda? （[你]勇敢和时髦吗？）

Ni galán, ni de moda. Cuando me escogieron lo hicieron por actor, no por estrella. Para mí ese es un calificativo peyorativo. （既不勇敢，也不时髦。当他们选择我当主角，而不是选其他天王巨星的时候，我觉得是对我的轻视。）Prefiero que digan que estoy haciendo un buen trabajo. （我宁愿他们说我干得很好。）

采访还有其余的几个问题，但是水平有限，况且是看到西文，机器翻为英文，再人手翻为中文，免不了会有点儿变味，其他的一些问题，我的理解不深刻，就不要献丑了。但从上面的回答就能看出，其实JEA自己已经对Armando产生厌恶了。特别是他那句“Cuando me escogieron lo hicieron por actor, no por estrella. Para mí ese es un calificativo peyorativo. ”从来都没有想过原来找他演这个角色的时候他居然会觉得有点轻视他。他是不是太个人主义或者疑心太强了呢？我不知道。

我又再次认识了一个人的观点了，原来，Jorge Enrique Abello是这样想Armando的。

The Road of Growing Up

(Aside: This story is made up of 4 steps of our true life, and it become the road of our growing up, enjoy it! First, please watch the Dramatis Personae.)

Scene1: Candy (in nursery school) and Father
Scene2: Candy (in primary school), teacher, Candy's father
father A, father B
Scene3: Candy(in middle school), little brother, mother, father
Scene4: Candy(in university), father, mother

Scene1. Nursery school
(Aside: The father and the daughter are by the sea. Facing the blue sky . And the daughter thinks out some questions.)

Candy: Dad, you see, the sky is blue, and look at that, the sea is blue too, why all the things are blue? Tell me why!!!
Dad: That's because…(background song: Le Papillion [ask and answer between grandfather and child])

Scene2. Primary school
(Aside: As time goes by, the little child is growing up, now she has become a pupil.)

Part one:
(Aside: At teacher's office)
Candy: (knock at the door)
Teacher: Come in.
Candy: (Come to teacher, beside the teacher's desk.)
Teacher: Candy, what's wrong with you?! I don't think you would have such score!
Candy: Oh… I'm sorry…(lowering her head, biting her mouse, pulling the clothes)
[Think: (Aside: Oh, terrible! How to tell Dad and Mom? What can I do…)]

Part two:
(Aside: During the Parent-Teachers meeting, one father looks every angry, and he is complaining something to himself.)
Father A: Just need one more point, one more point…(complaining, when watching his school report card)
Father B: What's the matter?
Father A: Hey…! One more point and my kid would have full mark!
Father B: Yes, yes. What a pity! So did my son.(moan)
Father a: What about your daughter?
Candy's father: (watching the score of the test paper [show on the project]) … So, so. (Mobile phone ring) Excuse me. (Leave quickly.)

Part three:
(Aside: Candy's father is home, with great angry.)
Candy: (watching her favorite cartoon, and laughing happily)
Father: (Walk towards the TV set, and turn it off. Watching Candy directly with great angry.)
Candy: (Feel very afraid)
Father: (Walk toward Candy, put the test paper rudely onto the desk.) Stupid!!! (Watch her for a second and leave)
Candy: (First watch her father, and then lower her head. When father leaves, she bends over and crying herself.)
(Voiceover: A sad music come out…)

Scene 3. Middle school
(Aside: The girl is growing up, has her new friends her own thought.)

Part one:
(In the street, Candy and her male classmate are arguing about something. Just at that time, Candy's little brother pass by [playing gameboy], unconsciously see this situation, surprise for a while, and running home with sinister smile.)

Part two:
(Aside: Little Brother comes to home.)
Mother: (cleaning the table)
Brother: (running to her with blow and happy, say secretly to his mother) Mom, I saw Candy shopping, and… With her boyfriend!!!
Mother: (very astonish, and then frown)
Brother: (leave)
Mother: (Say to herself, thoughtfully) Recently, Candy always wastes a lot of time on QQ! (Worry)

Part three:
(Aside: At Candy's room, mother is peeping Candy's QQ records. [The QQ record appear on the screen…] At that time, Candy comes in.)
Candy: Mom, what are you doing?! Why checking my QQ record! You are stealing my secret!!!
Mother: (seriously) you have a boyfriend?
Candy: What?
Mother: Who's he?!
Candy: I don't know what you mean!
Mother: (angry) You make me so disappoint!
Candy: Me too!!! (Contumacy)
Mother: (give her a blow)
Candy: (Cover the face, stamp her foot, and run out of home)

Part four:
(Aside: Mother and father are very worry all that night. The next morning, Candy comes back.)
Candy: (Open the door)
Father and Mother: (come towards her with great worry)
Father: (worry and angry) where have you been!!! A girl didn't come home is very dangerous! We are worried about you! Don't you know…
Candy: OK, that's enough. You're monster! None of your business, you can't manage my private thing!!! Don't trouble me anymore! (go to her room and shut the door)
(Aside: Parents pace up and down out of her room, very worry, but have no idea to their daughter.)

Scene 4. University
(Aside: The child shut her mouth solidly, and didn't want to communicate to her parents anymore. As a result, the generation gap comes out.)

Part one:
(Aside: During the military training, Candy found she needs something very urgent, so she calls her Mom.)
Candy: (phone her mother)
Mother: Yes?
Candy: Bring the #$%^&*~#$% this afternoon, I need them! Be quick!
Mother: #$%^&*~#$%, OK! Anything more? Could you adapt the life?
Candy: So, so. I have no time, that's all (do…do…do…[hang the phone rudely])

Part two:
(Aside: That afternoon, her parents come, with unimaginable lots of things. Candy got it without a thank, leaves. Her parents leave with very tired body, mother is coughing. At that moment, Candy finds she still need one more thing, so she turns around at once. Just at that time, she wakes up to her parents are so small and weak. They also need her to care about.[Tear is revolving in her eyes.])

Conclusion
(Aside: The generation gap is not made by our parents but ourselves. We dig the gap, meanwhile, we can recover it as well. Use all our heart, feel at their angles, and we'll know how to make it! [show on the screen: 其实"代沟"不是长辈们的错，我们有想过我们自己的态度吗？也许，"沟"不是他们挖的，而是我们亲手"掘"的。我们其实有能力把它填上，而用来填的物质就是我们的心，换位思考一下，你就知道该如果填补这个"沟"了。])

(All) Through this play we hope you get something, and remind something. Please
think about it. Thank you!

Curtain call.
(End)

也不知道自己在写什么，也不知道自己在追求什么，不知道，不知道，到底“我的天”在哪里？

突然好像没有了什么追求，到底梦想是什么？我每天在为何而奔波？简而言之就是，我为何而生？不知道，不知道，不知道。日子就混沌地过，没日没夜，心灵没有被触动的时刻，没有思维，一切都在逻辑地进行。

昨天晚上不能上网，不单我急，妈也很急，甚至她打的电话比我还要多，当然，这不是因为我的语言表达有问题。对骂人的电话我最在行。小学六年级就被老师命令要打电话到某某同学家向那家长投诉某某怎么怎么，用的要是老师的口吻，当时不觉怎么，但学生毕竟不是老师，虽然是一个班长，但做这件事到底是不合适的，而且我还被迫愤斥了3次，现在想起来真的觉得我的老师有点心理变态，怎么可以叫学生为她干这些东西。

也许是那些文章，是妈明白了我的blog到底是干嘛的，我到底在耗费一大堆时间在干什么。因此对于上网的问题，她很在意。这从另一角度也是一个维权的方法，我们交了钱我们就有上网的权利。

今天和平时一样，也是吃饭，逛超市，然后睡觉，然后再吃饭，然后乘车回家。一切都好像铁定的规矩，我无法改变似的。

刚才无意中发现了表哥 fengyjq 的blog〖心潮〗 ，原来他也有blog，而且好像发现了一篇很感人的文章不定时日志——感受25年的父爱 :: 〖心潮〗原来就在身边的人也在用blog来讲述他的故事，我看来不孤独了。

为了英文话剧，去找了法国电影《蝴蝶》的歌，真的很好听，绝对配我们的东西，希望自己能够成功。不过到现在为止，还没有什么心情把剧本打出来。我实在太没有moon了。

我是什么？

附：《蝴蝶》的下载地址和歌词：

They asked me to write the play script again, but in the diary of 2005-05-25, I had written "I won't write the play script, though I really want to, I eager to do, but I can't desprive their rights of writing it freely… I can't be so selfdish, I can't always show time and don't give them any chances… Therefore, I prefer to be a sin, and teach them a lesson, and tell them how to stand by themselves."

Though I have sweared such thing, at last, I became an important part of script writing. I can't stick to my words until the end.

Before this, I have ever had a dream that became a scriptwriter, director and actress, that because too many dramas watching. I love all that job, however, the fact tell me, all the things are far from so easy. And found how idealistic I was.

Have a inspiritation was just a beginning. And then how to extent it was most difficult and important things. A lot of ideas, you just have a general shape of them, then you should make the drowy thing into real one, you must use some methods to somethings and let others can easily get your meaning. So, in a words, a successful play means at the thought of the writer can be shared with the audences. Two of them maybe have some spirit communication. When all the people enjoy the play and cry or laugh as the story going on, who will say that play isn't triumph?! Consequantly, I do my best to reach that level. I'm just an amateur, and far from professional, yet I believe, with self-confidence, every one can do it.

Among this writing, I really learnt a lot. I know how to share the ideas of others, I'm not alone. I have a team to support me. Although the price is I can't focus on classes and go to sleep until 2:00AM, yet I think, it's worth. The teamwork spirit can't be described with any price.

The last time came, and with a little lucky, they chose our(girls') play script. The last result of the play is remain to be seen, no matter what happen, I still will go to great lengths to do it.