我的天

Azrael just like stay here and never want to leave any more. Today, another life went away in SCAU. Today is just the third day of semester, even though the beginnings have so many unpleasant things what about future. It’s a bad news to all the staff and students here. The star of train trace was a woman, someone said she had no relationship with SCAU, however, why she selected our school to end her life. Did she think that’s a little tough to us? If everyone who want to die will come to SCAU, what our school will be? It couldn’t be a funeral home! It’s just the new start of this year, why they select the way of leaving away?!

The atmosphere is depressed. A ground people came together and began the topic of the death. It’s not the end of the world, why not talking about others?! If you are one of us, could you bring in other topic without the death? Maybe the top of the school didn’t go to pay for the school, or the Bodhisattva went to have holiday and never came back. Of court, this is just for fun; I don’t believe any God or Bodhisattva.

Yesterday, my professional courses began. The first one is called Food Microbiology (《食品微生物学》) and the other is Food Chemistry (《食品化学》）. Both of them are talking about some food theory. I should fully change my thought that a good cook cooks a delicious food just by his/her experience. Believe or not, with more professional knowledge, using scientific method to machining, even a green hand can do a great job. It seems have a great difference to our Chinese culture; because until now our good cook doesn’t need scale go with them. The weight of food always likes a random feeling, we never use exactly number in our book, that’s mystery, and the secrets pass by generation to generation.

The secrets are waiting us to crack.

Death can solve everything? Is it the end? Twenty years old, a bright future is coming; it’s just the beginning of our voyage, why he chooses going to die to end everything? What about his family? What about his classmates? What about his teacher? He can easily go away, however, what about the people who love him, what about the person who take care of him! Is dead an end? The painful of others will be endless. You went away, but left a flood of sadness, troubles.

You went away, and what about your parent? You are unfilial! As a man, what responsibility you had done? Your parents had brought you up for twenty years, what have you done to render back? Did you think your were the son of three, so you could move your load on others? How can you be so selfish! You went away, with the happiness of your childhood together with the bright teens, with so many good remembrance, you went away. Did you ever think about what you had left behind? The pain of lost a son and brother that the wound won’t never be covered. You went away, how you could leave suffering behind and take away the joy! They won’t meet the young man any more. It’s time for your parents to enjoy their life. You went away, never bearing your dream and others hopes. You really made them very disappoint，in fact, by now, I can say, you despaired them indeed. What had they done, why they had to deserve it?! Other’s son! My schoolmate!

Life is always full of ups and downs. Didn’t you know? Did you only catch the meaning of words, I’m sure, and your heart didn’t understand it very well. Even though the SARS broke out, even others terrible diseases appeared, we human being have never given up. You just failed in four courses of X (sorry, I don’t know how many courses he had learn last term), did you heard your schoolmate had fail seven of eight, however, he passed them. Did the failure really hurt you so much? Did the devil or the head of them Satan control your soul? Or the Bodhisattva didn’t bless you? No, you ruined yourself. 

It’s not the only case that university student went to end their life. It’s time for us to brown study it? After the great battle College Entrance Examination, the youth think every storm have stop, they just face the vast sea which is calm forever, however, after two year of learning at university, such kinds of thought is completely wrong. The CEE is just the ticket that you can sail. There are sharks in the sea, and the wind won’t easily give you a fluent trip, from now on you would have to face N mol frustration than before.

Death is not the end!!! Death is not the perfect solution!!!

From now on, the log which I write in school must in English, because I have to practice this sword before the CET-4 battle. I have been lazy enough, it’s time to change. I don’t like make any excuse, which just make me cheat me and lie to others. You can see, I even don’t know how to write a sentence fluently.

The heart and the hand must in the same step, I can write out when I have any idea. The days before, it’s just a very common ability for me, but now… ability and capacity seems like each others, however we must find out the difference and remember them firmly. Ability emphasizes the action, and capacity more used to describe the power you can learn or earn or not. If a word you can describe very easily in English, I think there won’t be nothing to worry about it, however, the real word is far from so simple, how I can remember so many words in a few months, and beyond it, I should deeply tell the differences between them, that’s the question. ("that’s the question" make me easily remember Hamlet, he said: To be or not to be, that’s the question…A famous sentence of our price.)

Let’s talk about the first day of this term (the spring of 2006, in fact, I should call it spring of 2005, because it belongs to the academic year of 2005). I will learn my professional courses from this term. And the first course of them is called General Experiment of Food Chemistry(《食品化学综合实验》), it’s just the translation of me, because after looking through the textbook, I can’t find its English name. No matter what happen I should like this course, it’s my professional course and the teacher is belong to our food college; marking a bad effect on them seems not good for my future. And it’s time for me to work hard, I can’t have the idea of study one thing is to face the final examination and then forget them completely. Maybe one day I should live on this course, it seems the only knowledge I can depend on. Without the sharp point, what I should be proud of ?!

I am changing…

离考试还有2天（包括今天），也是2006年的第2天。

复习的进展还是不见好转，这次我觉得自己是样样都沾到了但要我数个非常完整的复习科目我说不上。我真的好害怕，怕像上一次那样忽律文科导致文科“失陷”，但理科除了需要看书更多地需要大时间的练习，没有练习就等于没有复习。对其他人这也许不明显，但对我来说，我很清楚自己，自己的粗心大意是需要在练习中改进的。但时间紧迫，已经没有什么时间给我做大批量的题目了。对比先前的2次大学考试（指的四最后的总“战役”），第一次考了5科，第二次考了7科，这一次更加是破纪录要考8科，形势可以说是不容乐观。而且考试时间一再缩短，考试的科目之间可以说是没有喘息的机会。严峻的考验啊！！！！

也不知道为什么每到这种时刻我就特别困。还记得昨天的《物理化学》下午半睡的状态下，自己突然对自己说“我也知道你很痛苦，我也知道你一天都看这些东西很想死，很想去睡觉，但你不能谁啊！你谁了我可怎么办啊！”然后突然困意一下子消失了，于是就整个精神起来，本来怎么看怎么有问题的第二章突然好像被点通了一样，一切都似乎清晰起来，于是就越看越起劲。说不上是为什么，我觉得这是自己最明显的一次自我启示，而且效用可以说非常厉害。从来没有一个声音如此清晰地对自己说话。但不知道为什么昨天我真的感受到了。

我知道躺在床上看教科书看不到2分钟就会谁着，但又阻止不了下午自己在床上看教科书。难道那些教科书就那么的令人讨厌。其实我也不是十分讨厌它们，但看到那些不是好明白的问题脑筋好像被胶水粘起来了，for（puzzle=1；；puzzle++） if（asleep） break;，情况就是以上的语句。于是唯一逃脱迷惑的方法就是睡觉，但睡着了醒来的时候又很讨厌自己因此浪费了好多的时间，人啊！就是那么的可恶。

This morning, I started to recite the new words, during that time, I remembered a lot. I remembered an uncle, who had said if his son could study at the best university he would send his son abroad at once. In addition, what is not the first class university? In short, the school as I studied is the rubbish school. I was angry when he was saying that, however, I did not know how to refute him, I could not gave any witness. Then after awhile I remembered another person, whose son had gone to Singapore to continue his high school, and will finish his university there, and all the spending of study are paid by the government of Singapore. Can you think how intelligent he is? He is one of the exchange program students who have such a golden chance. He is my cousin. Compare with them, what am I? My parents do not have money or any power to control anything, and I am not such a genius, I am just an everyman. I cannot have any daydream that what if I was… No, never! Just do what I should do, I am xrspook, the lay folk one, that all.

I don’t like compare with anyone, just walk as I used to be. Used my own style, do my utmost; believe the simple life is good enough.

hat’s a good guy? The one has a good heart all the time, no matter what happened and to whom. I want to be such a person; however, the real life is far from so easy.

Today my classmate forgot to return my calculator again, and then I became frustrating. I just thought about how annoy he was, because he lent my calculator on Monday and didn’t return it till Friday. Every time when I wanted to use that machine I would blame him automatically, nevertheless, it meant nothing but I just took out my feeling in a rude way. I scolded at him this time and annoyed myself the next time. Please forgive me, I can’t help doing that. In fact it didn’t mean that how I hated him, after letting out my annoyance this time I could forgive him at once, but I think as a Chinese it’s not polite to do so. I’m not a good guy.

I want to become better, the one can forgive any one who has done whatever errors, however, I’m far from hitting that target. Since the basketball match in the middle school, the evil in my heart was activated and never stopped turning me into a devil. From then on, xrspook was no longer an innocent little girl but a devil that was full of complains. Sometimes the angel of xrspook will fright with the evil xrspook. As a result, I think I have become a double character, however, fortunately, the angel most of the time will take the control, so most of the time I can think about others in the first place. At the same time, life is not easy for any of us, the devil will come to be very strong and make me lose my temper, at that time, and I will become a mad person, scolding at everyone even though the one just did a little error.

Maybe, I can’t blame all my evil behavior to that match, realistically; I should learn how to endure. Tolerant is a good way which can put out or well control the evil fire in my heart. In this way, I shouldn’t always compare myself to others, and I shouldn’t thinking about what I have done and hope to get the same fruits from others. What you get is always far from what you give.

Moreover, it’s the experience of my life that to be a good guy means you dedicate your love which you can’t expect the others will give the same love to you, because most of the time they can’t do so, for they haven’t wanted to be a good guy. We should think about if we stop dedicating our good heart, why we could eager others to do so. We can’t stop doing the goods even though others refuse to do. In my opinion, we should do the good forward, and believe others will touch by this. Life needs our good heart to decorate. Actions always speak louder than words, so do it today, become a good guy who has a good heart and promote the good to the devil beyond you. Believe me, one day, after our well-do they can realize it.

To be a good guy and never stop even though all the people beyond you are devils. Don’t give up even though without any courage. I should learn to endure.